Tuesday, June 26, 2007


McDonalds has taken its latest step to turn the entire population of the earth into greasy, spherical cattle.

I went to McDonalds yesterday because while most of their flavored, scented foam rubber food products make me ill, there is one item, one single precious item, that I enjoy a great deal, and always have. That item is the Sausage McMuffin With Egg. (Not to be confused with the Sausage McMuffin, which is decidedly not With Egg.) The Sausage McMuffin With Egg consists of a greasy, salty, tangy sausage patty, a slice of American Cheese (processed dairy food gel) and a perfectly round disc of placenta-like egg-matter, sandwiched between two halves of an English Muffin.
These ingredients somehow add up to far more than the sum of their parts, increasing in flavor exponentially as they are combined, increasing and increasing until they reach Ultimate Flavor.

The SMWE is delicious.

Occasionally, in emergency situations where I don't get a chance to eat breakfast at home before I leave for work, I will stop in and get a SMWE. Yesterday I did this, and when I asked for 1 Sausage McMuffin With Egg, the voice on the intercom asked me:

"Just one?"

Well yes of course just one, who could eat two of these greasy beasts?

Then she tells me, "It's cheaper if you buy two."


"How much is two?" I ask.

"Two dollars."

"How much is one?"

"Two twenty."

Goddamm it Mcdonalds what are you trying to pull here? What could your motivation possibly be for making it so that no one in their right mind will ever only buy 1 SMWE, even if they know they aren't going to eat that second one? This goes even beyond the concept of the "2 Apple Pies for 1 Dollar" thing because those are 75cents each, but the SMWE is actually MORE EXPENSIVE to buy one than to buy two.

This seems to indicate that the leadership of McDonalds is not just a bunch of evil corporate types sitting around scheming ways to make more money, they are in fact actually, blatantly evil supervillains scheming ways to actually, literally destroy the world, in active, literal, blatant ways. Apparently they don't care which method works...either everyone will buy 2 and throw one away, causing the whole world to overflow with uneaten, rotting sausage and eggs, spreading stench and disease across the globe, or people actually will start eating the second one, and finally everyone in the world will become morbidly obese and oozing with salty, sausagey sweat.

The madness of this company...one is never enough. Two of everything. Two pies, two SMWEs, they even hit you with their radio commercials in sets of two, bludgeoning you, bludgeoning, bludgeoning...

Here's a little scene from the hit television show "Family Guy" that illustrates what the world might look like when McDonalds is done with it...

No comments:

Post a Comment