Monday, October 20, 2008


Rehab is awesome!

Guess what, I finally moved into Second Phase! After six months, I finally get to go upstairs! Less rules, less restrictions, and no people walking around in life-jackets! The play room has leather chairs! They have movies other than TMNT! That one scary giant guy with the ponytail that looks exactly like Micky Rourke can�t get me up here!

The food is a little better too. Instead of hot dogs in slices of white bread with American cheese and maybe some Meth Sprinklins, we have some actually pretty decent hardshell tacos! On the down-side, the bathrooms are a lot smaller. Like, airplane small. Not much room to light up a crack spoon. I guess that�s probably the idea though.

Oh I should probably explain, I�m only in rehab because of my job. It�s weird, a lot of the people who get their kids taken away by CPS really like to go to rehab a lot! Difrent strokes for difrent folks, as they say. It�s not like I can�t relate� They just made me watch the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, and I�m pretty sure I�m going to have to kill myself if I can�t run downstairs to Phase One and score some heroin to wash that taste out of my brain. Uhhhhh�.my nerves hurt.


Saturday, October 18, 2008

An Average Day

Walk into Ballard Market. Scope out from a distance--which entrance contains the panhandler? Choose opposite entrance. Buy day-old desserts and eat them in the car.

Steal Burger King chicken fries from 6 year-old during visit supervision. He doesn't need the calories. Fatass.

If a construction crane has to be taller than the thing it's constructing, what do they use to construct the crane? Next time terrorists want to attack New York, they should hijack construction cranes. And put a big boxing glove on the arm. Pow! You just got knocked out by Al Qaeda.

Get really hungry again. Order fish tacos from Taco Del Mar. Scowl at the incompetent taco-artist as he squirts all the salsa onto one side, unbalancing the taco. Smolder silently.

Realize that your entire day revolves around eating. Eat a quesadilla and fruit smoothie just before bed. Dream of apocalypse and car crashes. Wake in cold sweat. Pee in the dark. Go back to sleep. Dream of apocalypse and weiner dog armies.

Also, Monday is the deadline for voter registration. Go register now, loser. It's your civic duty to vote, no matter who you plan on voting for. Yeah right. Vote for Obama.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Desperate Candy Bars

Have you seen/heard these Kit Kat commercials?

This fairly mediocre chocolate-covered wafer bar is making a desperate bid to become an iconic snack staple by claiming to be the perfect companion for coffee.

The commercials involve people with annoying squeaky voices requesting Kit Kats with their coffee at various establishments, then acting outraged when they learn that the place doesn't offer Kit Kats. A guy tells a Donut Shop that it's "close minded" to sell Donuts and not Kit Kats. Girl tells a barista that they should replace their pastry case with a vending machine full of Kit Kats.

Really? Kit Kat, the B-list candy bar that no one actually eats and is only remembered because of a catchy jingle, is going up against DONUTS and PASTRIES for the hearts and minds of America's coffee drinkers?

I don't think I've ever seen a more desperate attempt for a product to force itself, uninvited, into the public imagination. I am inspired, and will now attempt to use the same strategy to promote my own products.


(Woman lying a sunny beach reading a book)

(Man with annoying squeaky voice approaches woman)

MAN: Hey there, what are you reading?

WOMAN: Oh, it's just "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

MAN: Oh really? That sounds lame, how come you're not reading "The Inside", by Isaac Marion?

WOMAN: Excuse me?

MAN: Haven't you heard? Nothing goes better with lying on the beach than an Isaac Marion novel!

WOMAN: Umm...

MAN: Mind if I sit on your back while I apply sunblock to my bikini area?


(Crowd is in the Sistine Chapel, admiring the ceiling.)

(Man with squeaky annoying voice walks in)

MAN (Shouting loudly, echoing in the large space): Hey! Where are all the Isaac Marion paintings?


MAN: But Isaac Marion paintings are perfect for walking around and looking at and taking pictures of! Christine's Chapel is STUPID!


(Woman is in bed drinking tea and listening to Beethoven)

(Man suddenly crashes in through her window and shoves a CD in her face)

MAN: Don't listen to THAT! Listen to ISAAC MARION'S MOON COLONY!

(Woman screams)

Is this working? Am I replacing long-established classics yet?


Saturday, October 4, 2008

Lincoln / Washington erotica

I have just uncovered what appears to be fan-art from the earliest known Abraham Lincoln / George Washington slash fiction!

"The Apotheosis of Lincoln", a silver etching by an unknown artist, circa 1860

"Oh George," Abe whispered breathlessly, gazing rapturously into the white-haired president's stormy gray eyes, "I've waited for this so long."

"So have I, Abe," George murmured sexily, and smiled like the sun, revealing his finely carved wooden teeth. "Now let me take you to Heaven..."