Friday, June 26, 2009

A runrant caused by runner's high

I'll just be honest get ready how about I just say it, I hate weekends, I hate the crowds of worms that poke out of their earth holes and roam up and down the sidewalk for no reason, standing on street corners for no reason, going in and out of establishments for no reason and making eye contact with me when I run by them for no reason, eye contact for no reason, absent five days then suddenly showing up in my world like they own it. I want there to be less of them, I want there to be less people, same city but less people, less blacks, less whites, less men, less women, less everyone so I can breathe my own air not theirs and I need a lot of air to breathe because I'm jogging. Misanthrope, agoraphobic, maybe maybe maybe but I like weekdays, weekday mornings, early-early monday mornings when everything is just barely open and you'd have to be crazy to be out and around, when the population level is just right because it's just me.

Since this is not the case I jog around the far outskirts of my neighborhood, swapping sidewalks back and forth, dodging purposeless pedestrians like asteroids, crows follow me on the telephone lines and caw at me for no reason, I stand on a bridge while a train blasts by under my feet and stare down its smokestack into its fiery guts just before the smog cooks my face, I think about jumping down onto it spystyle or maybe just drizzling Pollock paint onto the boxcars as they pass, then I jog home while old ladies stare at me from their living room, I jog all the way home, pausing only to meow at cats.

The Worst Pain In the World!!

In another wide-eyed trance of Wikipedia crawling, I found this horrifying and fascinating thing:


Doesn't sound too ominous...maybe just a headache that comes and goes in groups...? WRONG. Apparently, cluster headaches are an extreme neurological problem that makes the most severe migraine you've ever imagined look like a whiny two-beer hangover.

The feeling is described as a spike being driven through the center of your skull, or someone trying to rip out your eyeball through the back of your head. The degree of pain it causes has been compared to amputating limbs without anesthesia. Women compare it to the pain of natural childbirth and say it's MUCH WORSE.



And people who suffer from this condition sometimes have attacks up to TWENTY TIMES A WEEK. No wonder they're also referred to as "suicide headaches"--apparently many victims have to be put under 24 hour suicide watch because they will gladly off themselves at the first warning sign just to escape the coming headache.


The horrible irony of it is that the Worst Pain In The Universe is caused by something that isn't even physically harmful. Medically, the headaches are considered "benign", because nothing in your body is actually being damaged, basically your brain just suddenly decides to tell you that you're experiencing cosmically vast agony for NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

ALSO THERE IS NO CURE. There are a variety of preventative medicines and methods to ease the pain, but all of these are feeble semi-solutions that often FAIL.

Interestingly, one of the reportedly successful methods of ending a headache is to "accutely modulate hypthalmic function" BY HAVING SEX.



In other words......everyone, everywhere, stop complaining about anything, ever.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


While doing something totally unrelated, I somehow stumbled onto info about a new film by Jared Hess, creator of Napoleon Dynamite, and the premise rang so true and hilarious and disturbingly close to home, I have to share.

It involves a teenage aspiring fantasy writer who attends a fantasy writer convention only to have the premise of his novel, Yeast Lords, stolen by a famous author at the convention.

First of all, Yeast Lords is one of the most inexplicably hilarious bad titles I've ever heard. Second of all, I realized than an equally inexplicable, untitled movie "trailer" I saw a few weeks ago, featuring Flight of the Conchords' Jemain Clement, was in fact an early teaser for this movie, GENTLEMEN BRONCOS.

"To inspire myself, I turn to myself."

This is sounding a LOT better than Nacho Libre...


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Obama's Twitter

It has recently come to my attention that President Barack Obama has a Twitter profile, marking yet another historic first for this most progressive president.

What might a typical day of the president's tweets look like?

BARACK Overslept again because stupid blackberry alarm never works. Cabinet is giving me that look.

BARACK Can't stand the sound of Joe's voice right now. Is it lunch yet?

BARACK Someone get the president some Starbucks, STAT! lol

BARACK One of the annoying parts about being America's first black president is you can't really ask the chef for fried chicken, no matter how much you want it. >:(

BARACK Another meeting...

BARACK "Can't read my, can't read my, no you can't read my poker face..."

BARACK Finances, debt, Bernanke, etc...

BARACK Oh my God the president's been shot!!! jk


BARACK Do you ever feel like people don't really know you, even your best friends, and if they would just listen maybe they would understand you a little better?

BARACK Eating a Chick-o-Stick in front of the whole Cabinet because I don't even give a shit.

BARACK Working late. Bills, bills, bills! lol

BARACK All the halls in this place look exactly the same! I literally can't find the Oval Office right now...

BARACK Ok this is embarassing I am lost in the White House. Hello, Secret Service, I'm standing next to the painting of Alexander Hamilton or whoever. COME GET ME.

BARACK Wondering if there were ever any unmarried presidents. A young, single president of the united states, let loose on the hot women of the world.
Can you imagine???

BARACK Sitting on the deck, drinking tea, listening to "Rumors" on vinyl. Life is good.

BARACK YAWN. Sleep now...president in morning...


Recession Chic?

Can someone explain this to me....

"-because of the recession..."

"-in this economy..."


I freely acknowledge I might be incredibly misinformed on this issue, so by all means correct my ignorance. But what is the idea behind "recession chic"?
I.E, the fact that it's become fashionable to eat, dress, and live frugally, to not spend money, in acknowledgement of the recession---the recession which is caused by people not spending money.

Obviously everyone's life situation is different. But for me---I hear there is a recession, but I'm certainly not participating in it. I still make exactly the same wage I did a year ago. Why would I change my lifestyle to reflect "the economic downturn" if my own economy has not turned down?

I realize a lot of people have lost their jobs. Stocks are down. Etc. But if you aren't a business owner, you still have your job, and you aren't involved in the stock are you in any way affected by the economy's ups and downs? Am I missing something here?

There's a sense that it's now morally questionable to spend money. To go out to eat, to splurge on a new TV, etc. The atmosphere is that responsible Americans should downgrade their lifestyle to "reflect the times". But isn't that exactly what's causing the recession? People curbing their spending? Isn't that why the auto companies are going under, why businesses are closing, etc, because people are suddenly, for no apparent reason, locking up their wallets?

Is there some colossal truth I'm overlooking here, or is the population actually just sheeping along with what they hear on the radio, even if it doesn't apply to them in any way?


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Isaac Goes to Hollywood

[re-censored by Pvt. Washington Irvine, 6/17/9]

Dear readership,

I have a confession to make.
I haven't been totally [redacted] with you.
It's not because I don't trust you. I do. I gave you my phone number didn't I? I regularly answer your nervous and/or drunken dials don't I?
I don't keep secrets because I want to. Secrecy is forced upon me by Others. But now, finally, I've been given permission to make an announcment. Finally, FULL DISCLOSURE.

As you may have gathered from the vague hints I've been dropping for a while, some big stuff is going on in the North Democratic Republic of Isaac.

What is it? What is that stuff? What?

I've already told you that a major literary agent, Joe Regal, signed on to represent Warm Bodies for publishing. What I haven't told you is that before that even happened, Warm Bodies was optioned for film by one [redacted] producer of such hit films as [redacted], starring [redacted] and the upcoming [redacted], starring thinking-woman's heartthrob [redacted], and [redacted]

What does this mean? It means that [redacted] took Warm Bodies and promptly used her Hollywood clout and intimidating Australian accent to [redacted]. I'm not allowed to tell you which [redacted] until they make the public announcement, but suffice to say it's [redacted]

What does THIS mean? What does THIS part mean?

It means that [redacted]. Whether the [redacted] will actually [redacted] or not is a big unknown, but even if not...I will soon be [redacted] and maybe even be able to spend a little less time hanging out in visitation office cubicles, rehab centers, and reeking crack den apartments.

More as the story continues to [redacted]


Saturday, June 6, 2009

Finding The Copycat's Niece

I'd like to just take a moment to point out the glut of movies/books/etc in the last few years using the "[OCCUPATION] (posessive) [FEMALE FAMILY RELATION]" title template:

It's almost as bad as the "FINDING [NAME]" template.....

I could literally go on all night.... IMDB has 121 titles with "Finding" in them.

Apparently we have almost run out of words with which to make new titles. Recycling is "in".



Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Overheard--Man and girlfriend walking on sidewalk. Man veers toward convenience store.

Man: I'm gonna get some beer.

Woman: You're gonna carry that all the way home?


Little girl with adult woman in a playground. Girl trying to reach monkeybars.

Little girl to Isaac (tall): Will you help me reach the bars?

Isaac: I don't know...ask your mom.

Little girl: I don't HAVE a mom!


Ancient languages lost: 2
Euphemisms for genetalia coined: 12

Ethnic stereotypes debunked: 3
Ethnic stereotypes reinforced: 54

Spent by Americans on books: $63,016,398
Spent by Americans on pro sports: $547,945,205

Births: 353,015
Deaths: 146,357
New planets colonized: 0