Friday, February 19, 2010

"THE HUNGRY MAN" -- new story

Second and probably last of my experiments with disturbing children's stories. Enjoy!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

What it was like for Isaac, having his eye gouged out

For the past four or five months, something has been growing inside my eye.

I am part Frenchie, so I have those good ol' dark circles under my eyes, which are always a little bit puffy, but one day I noticed my right eyelid was a little bit puffier than the left.
I thought this was odd, but didn't have the time or money to deal with it, so I ignored it. Gradually my right eyelid got puffier and puffier until eventually it was really really puffy. Also it itched and hurt and scared me a lot. So yesterday I finally went to an eye doctor to find out what sort of alien creature was incubating inside my eyeball.

Figuring I would just be doing a checkup consultation, I decided to go to the clinic on foot. The doctor checked out the situation and told me I had a "chalazion", which is a sort of cyst that forms around a blocked tear gland. It's pronounced "chill-LAZ-in'" which is like "chillaxin'" but weirder and more painful.

The doctor surprised me by offering to cut me open right then and there. He said the procedure would be quick and simple and mostly painless. Mostly being the key word here, as I soon found out.

The doctor put me in this big scary metal chair with stirrups for my feet, and leaned me back. He put a paper shroud over my face, which was creepy. Then he cut out a square around my right eye, which was creepier. He poured something that felt like vodka in my eye, which was supposed to numb the eyeball by getting it drunk. Then he rubbed some stuff that felt like whiskey on my eyelids, which was supposed to numb them by getting them drunk. Then he stuck a needle into my eyelids, which was supposed to numb them more. This hurt a lot. But not as much as when he jammed some sort of metal clamp into my eye socket and pried my eyelids open, Clockwork Orange style. This was fucking excruciating. But not as fucking excruciating as when he sliced open my lower eyelid and started scraping out the cyst with some sort of tiny sharp garden hoe.

You know at the dentist, when they put that little mirror in your mouth and then stab and scrape and poke at your teeth with that little metal icepick to clean out the plaque? This was just like that, but inside my eye.

So needless to say, this was quite a bit more horror than I was expecting from this appointment. If I'd have known I'd be reenacting a "Saw" movie that evening, I probably would have driven to the clinic instead of walking, because it was a little bit awkward stumbling through the heart of Seattle with my eyes cloudy white from antibiotic gel and crying big tears of blood like some kind of demon hellspawn from hell.

I feel much better now, though.


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

What It Was Like For Jerry, Being Immortal -- new story

Note: This is not the "big long crazy short story" I've been promising for a while. This is just a random oddity that came out of me last week.


Sunday, February 7, 2010

Warm Bodies interview

I did an email interview about WARM BODIES for a blog that's fairly prominent in the--ahem--zombie community, in which the gist of all my answers is "Wait, I can explain!" It's fun, and I also get to talk about what I'd be like as an action figure.

Enjoy it HERE

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Fan Art!!!

Look at this so-awesome drawing Sarah Musi made!

This isn't the book cover and won't be used for anything official, she just made this to boost her design portfolio, but it's amazing. Sarah does incredible illustrations for all kinds of mediums. Check her out.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Everyday Oddities -- Public safety + T.Rex

Today my idle wanderings around Seattle took me to Volunteer Park, where I climbed up a strange water tower housed inside what looks like a castle turret made of brick. I banged on the tank inside and was pleasantly surprised that my soft little fist could have any effect on a four-stories-tall tank of inches-thick steel filled with thousands of gallons of water, but the thing resonated and boomed for about 20 seconds with each hit, like thunder that you can hear happening far far away in another town and you get jealous because you wish there was thunder in YOUR town but all you have over here is fucking rain.

On the observation level of the tower, the window safety grates got me thinking.

Why was the partial fence--which is much more aesthetically pleasing and allows a much better view of the city skyline--considered an adequate safety measure when the tower was built, but not anymore? At some point it was decided that people might--if they REALLY wanted to--be able to squeeze through the gap at the top of the window and jump to their deaths, so they installed this heavy duty prison screen over the entire window.

The same goes for the park's other water reservoir: 

The beautiful stone walkway around the reservoir is now off limits and replaced by a grimy mud path fenced off by razor wire, presumably because someone might somehow fall into the water and drown.

All this begs the question: What's changed?

What happened in society over the last hundred years that made people so terrified of the slightest risk of harm? At the turn of the century, people absolutely didn't give a shit. Empire State Building construction workers tight-walked on narrow beams thousands of feet above the ground. Public parks didn't "close" at dusk and there were certainly no safety screens on windows and ledges.

When and why did society take it upon itself to save people from their own stupidity? And why stop with high windows? Isn't the logical extension of this to just run foam rubber padding over every sharp corner in the natural world?

Oh and also, I saw this T.Rex on these people's house, and immediately loved them.