Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Everyday Oddities 3 -- FERRY RIDE!

Today was full of two things: ADVENTURE and WIN. Weather was glorious and sunny and absolutely perfect climate-controlled temperature. I fulfilled an urge I've been having lately and took a trip on a ferry (that's a big boat that takes people across water, for the landlocked midwesterners among us) over to the islands (yes, we have islands in Washington, we're like a fucking ARCHIPELAGO up in this motherfucker) on a quest to inspect the only GMC motorhome for sale in this entire g.d STATE. I've been lusting after these beautiful machines for about 8 months and I am now moving forward with my acquisition plan. But since there are less than 8,000 of these things still on the road, and less than 800 of the shorter 23-foot version I crave, I've never yet had a chance to get inside one and lose that particular virginity. Today was the day I became a man! A GMC man!

So anyway I was on the ferry, which I love because I love water and boats and open air and not being around buildings or trees in general, and I saw something weird:

This is where they build us! Can you believe it's just right out there in the middle of the seating like that? I didn't get to see any passengers being assembled on this particular trip (I think there were already plenty onboard) but the trip was still beautiful and also I saw a seal. We made sensual eye contact!!!

Once on the island I had a wonderful winding drive towards Port Hadlock, which reminded me of Captain Haddock from the Tintin books, which reminded me that I need to shave soon. My face is starting to round out and my jawline is disappearing. Speaking of jawlines, my two room-mates (one of them is a girl) have never seen Twilight and they wanted to and I also wanted them to so that they could relate to me better since the movie studio that does Twilight is the movie studio that's doing the movie of MY book, which makes me, in a way, a shareholder in the Twilight fortunes, so I agreed to permit a TWILIGHT MARATHON to take place here tonight with my male room-mate, his lady friend, and my sister, and I as soon as I'm done writing this blog I'm going out to buy a bunch of chocolate ice-cream and other cliche female snackfoods to keep things on-theme. 

Where was I? Okay, so I went to Port Haddock and looked at the motorhome, which was so stunningly beautiful I had to excuse myself from the watchful eye of the gruff and unappreciative RV Lot Mechanic so that I could go cry softly in a corner for a while, because I had never seen anything so beautiful. Unfortunately, once I got inside I saw that the interior was all tore the fuck up and ugly as lizard-shit so I went home with no GMC. But I'm still on the prowl, I will not be deterred, and I will have the bubble-shaped recreational pod of my dreams if I have to fly to Michigan for her! (which is where the next one is.)

Then on my way home I saw this sign and I thought it was funny:

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ask me your questions, bridge-keeper.

(Yes, I do Monty Python quotes every now and then.)

In a moment of weakness, I made a Formspring.me profile.

You can anonymously ask me any question you want, and I will answer it--not anonymously, but as myself.

I attribute this decision to innocent funloving curiosity, NOT staggering narcissism.



Friday, March 5, 2010

Guess what?

They have HANDS-ONLY CPR now. Finally, no more awkward and unsanitary life-saving makeout sessions with unattractive and/or same-sex strangers who just lie there and take it. The downside? No more hilarious movie scenes where a beautiful lifeguard gives a horny teenager mouth-to-mouth only to find that the horny teenager was pretending to drown just for the chance to "kiss" the beautiful lifeguard. Is it a good trade? You decide.

I'm not sure what happened to cause the CPR people to turn their backs on decades of CPR wisdom and offer this newly simplified version. Did they decide people are just too dumb to follow the complex instructions of yesteryear? Or have they been messing with us this whole time? Maybe a popular game among CPR people was collapsing in the middle of the street just for the amusement of watching citizens frantically try to remember the elaborate and precisely timed process of performing CPR? And then suddenly they'd grab their head and start kissing them? You decide.

Whereas old-school CPR involved multiple steps and different rythmic patterns, not to mention, if performing CPR on a woman, you had to strip her naked, bra included, in front of crowds of strangers who don't know what the hell you're doing, before you begin your sensual palpitations.

Now, they've boiled it down to 2 steps:

1. Call 911  (that's not really CPR, per se, but we'll let it go)
2. Push hard and fast in the center of the chest

No nude public molestation anywhere in there. It truly is a new era of modern, rape-free medicine!

So modern, in fact, that they even have an IPHONE APP for hands-only CPR. What does the app do? As far as I can tell, it displays the instructions for performing hands-only CPR, which are:

1. Call 911
2. Push hard and fast in the center of the chest

I'm not sure if someone who needs an iPhone app to remember those 2 steps should be attempting any kind of medical procedures whatsoever, but the important thing is...well, I'm not sure. I kinda lost my train of thought. What is this blog about?