Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Energy Conservation Tips

Hi, I'm Eco-Isaac, Isaac Marion's environmentally sustainable alter-ego, and I'm here to share with you some important tips for conserving energy.

What is energy conservation, and why is it important? Well, it's like this. Most of modern society runs off of fossil fuels, which produce large amounts of greenhouse gases, ozone gases, carbon gases, and other unsustainable gases that all combine to create pollution. Believe it or not, even natural gas is pollution. "Natural gas?" you say. "But that sounds so natural!"
Trust me. It's not.

"But what about my Sega Saturn?" you ask. "That doesn't run on fossil fuels, it runs on electricity." Well guess what. Electricity is just fossil fuel in the form of electricity. All the electricity we use--even the electricity generated by wind and solar generators--is generated by fossil fuels. The more electricity you use, the more fossil fuels get burned. And the more stuff you do, the more electricity you use.

"So what can I do to help?" you ask. Well, it's simple. Everything you do consumes energy. When you pet your dog, it consumes energy--about 35 calories. When you wave to your mom, it consumes energy--about 28 calories. Where does that energy come from, you ask? From food, of course! But where does food come from? From the grocery store. And guess what? That apple you're about to eat? The grocery store used lots and lots of fossil fuels to create that apple. So every time you eat food, you are burning fossil fuels and destroying the environment for your children.

"Should I stop eating food?" you ask. Of course not! You'd die! :) But there is one important thing you must remember in order to make energy sustainable---everything you do burns fossil fuels.

That's right, even waving to your mom! Because every time you move or think, it burns calories, and calories have to be replaced by food, and food is created by grocery stores using machines made from fossil fuels.

"Now I'm getting it!" you say. "This is where the 'cycle' in 'recycle' comes from! We're all connected in the cycle of life, so I need to reduce my energy usage!"

Now you're getting it! Here are just a few of the millions of tips I know for reducing how much you destroy the environment for your children every single day:

Not only is it fun, you'll save millions of pounds of energy every additional hour you sleep in. And if you lose your job in the process, you can triple that number based off not needing to drive a car and do unsustainable work for non-green businesses.

Did you know that jogging around the block one time consumes as much energy as leaving a lightbulb on for two years? Next time you feel the urge to go for a run, consider just thinking about running instead!

Believe it or not, even just thinking consumes energy! That's right, the human brain runs on electricity, which comes from food, which comes from fossil fuels, so slow down there, Einstein! Watching a Daddy Longlegs spider crawl up a blank white wall uses one third the energy of formulating biochemistry theories, and it's way easier! So next time you're thinking about writing a great novel or entering the medical sciences, think about its impact on the environment. Or don't! You'll save energy!

When you're stressed, your heart rate increases, and your body goes into an energy-inefficient "fight or flight" mode in which large quantities of unsustainable energy are wasted on unsustainable body functions like sweating, stuttering, and getting pimples. Relax! Avoid situations that might lead to stress. That cute girl that you keep bumping into in the Chilton's Auto Repair Reference Manual section at the library? Think about how much stress energy you'll burn if you decide to talk to her! Consider going home alone instead--but don't masturbate! That consumes almost as much energy as having sex!


Monday, April 26, 2010

Things My Dog Hates


1. Music
2. Babies
3. Kittens
4. Bunnies
5. Her fellow dogs
6. People that aren't me
7. When I leave the house
8. When I go upstairs
9. When I go to the bathroom
10. When I move
11. Hopes
12. Dreams
13. Being alive

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Our Newest Enemy in the Animal Kingdom

Friends, I have discovered  something horrifying that I must share with you all. Bees have found an unlikely ally in their war against humanity and happiness--the Hippo.

Hippopotamus amphibius, more commonly known as "Hippopotamus", "Deathbringer", or simply "Hippo", although generally considered one of the fattest and cutest animals ever, is also considered the most aggressive and ferocious creatures in the continent of Africa.
AFRICA--heard of it? It's where they have fucking LIONS.

Hippos kill 100 to 150 humans per year. To put this in perspective, BEARS kill only 5 to 10. This fatality rate puts the hippo at number 7 on the list of Top 10 Deadliest Animals in the World.
In the WORLD--heard of it? It's where they have fucking EVERYTHING.


Despite having the leg length and belly-to-ground clearance of a weiner dog, Hippos can inexplicably, magically, in defiance of all laws of physics, run 30 miles per hour.
Think about that next time you're thinking that buying a Vespa so you can commute to work without getting gored by hippos is a good idea, because it's not gonna help.

Hippos ooze a natural sunscreen from their pores, so they never get sunburned and stay looking youthful throughout their entire lives. It's kind of a win-lose though because they have to be covered in red slime all the time. Although they probably enjoy that because of how sick and fucked up hippos are.

When Hippos poop, they spin their tail around like a helicopter so as to spew their poop in all directions as far as possible. Scientists say they do this so as to spread their scent all over their territory, but WE know they do it just to be sick and fucked up.

In addition to being nature's shit sprinkler, Hippos are "retromingent", which means they pee backwards, even the males. I'm not sure if this means they have rear-facing hippodicks, but it wouldn't surprise me AT ALL.

Hippos are designed by God for murder. Their mouths can open up to four feet wide, and guess what's inside? Fucking TEETH! Teeth that make the saber toothed tiger look like a platypus. A hippo can kill you so many different ways, you will lose count halfway through the experience.

Hippos look fat and silly but they are not silly, only fat. Never make fun of a hippo's weight; he will only make himself heavier by eating you.

The Bible has a whole chapter (Job 40) about how awesome hippos are. God seems to think hippos are pretty fucking badass. And If GOD thinks you're badass, how badass does that make you? Science has no gauge for it. In fact, God somehow uses the fact that hippos are badass to justify all suffering and injustice in Creation. (Job 40:6-8) How badass is that??

JOB: Oh Lord, I am a righteous follower of thy law and have served thee faithfully all my life. Why hast thou slain all my livestock, smitten all my crops, afflicted me with painful boils and diseases, and murdered my entire family with flaming hailstones from heaven?

Check out this Hippo I made! Isn't it badass?

JOB: Damn, that thing IS badass! Nevermind about all that suffering and injustice stuff--sorry I asked!

(Paraphrased from the New King James)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Today in Religion

It's so beautiful to see that regardless of age, race or nationality, people all over the world can come together under their religious beliefs and make lunatic statements about earthquakes:

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My First Interview! by Playskool

This week I did a phone interview with an internet radio show in which they asked me about how I self-published Warm Bodies (spoiler: I didn't, really, all that much, only kind of...) what the book is about (spoiler: long and rambling explanation) and what the Secret to Success is. (spoiler: Dunno.)

I'm definitely better at writing my thoughts over period of hours or days than speaking my thoughts over period of seconds, but I will get better at this, I must!

So, listen here guys...
Listen here:

(I come in at about the 30 minute mark. You can click in the time window to advance forward)

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Everyday Oddities #4 -- Unsettling Signage

They promised me the kids were still in great condition but these days I prefer to buy new.

Is this angry sentient urinal someone's idea of folksy quaintness? I'm sorry I peed on your face, angry bathroom spirit! Please don't turn me into a scent cake!